OK, so now this is a tough one. How can I go on a rant about how annoying and hurtful people can be when they are coming from such a loving and supportive place?! I want to be clear that I am so thankful for the love and support from all the people in my life, but remember, this is to help people to understand and maybe make someone smile. People that are going through this kind of thing are all thinking and feeling this way, sometimes it’s just nice to let it out and to read someone else’s struggle to understand that it is normal to feel and think this way. In the beginning, I was ashamed and felt weak with these thoughts. After some time, I learned it was OK, not to judge myself or the uncontrolled thoughts or reactions to the horrible reality I was facing.
A while ago I was in the cancer centre waiting for my palliative care appointment. I sat down beside an older woman (lets be honest they are all older, I stick out like a sore thumb in that place)and her husband, anyway she was just beginning her journey into cancer and was very emotional. I asked her what she was in for, and she told me ovarian cancer and that she was going to find out what stage she was on that day. I immediately began to support my comrade in this war and asked her how she was feeling. And, like most of us in the beginning she was all over the map, sad, angry, scared, depressed, shocked. I told her how she was totally normal, as other ears leaned in to listen to our conversation. I told her to try and not let it beat her down too much even though all you want to do is lay in bed under the covers and forget the world. I also told her it is OK to be sad and cry, cry a lot! Be depressed because this is nothing to be celebrating. I told her if one more person tells me “you just gotta stay positive”, I was going to punch them in the throat! Well, all the ears that had leaned in started laughing and the whole room changed its mood, we all connected and understood. See we were all positive about being negative!!
Let me tell you how extremely difficult it is to “stay positive” I mean come on, given a death sentence but “your telling me (enter sarcasm) all I have to do is stay positive and I can beat this!!!” Imagine how shitty it will feel when I die knowing I wasn’t strong enough or positive enough to beat this cancer! BOOM!!!! Please don’t take me the wrong way, I love being supported and encouraged by everyone, it helps get me through a day.
Society has placed so much pressure on cancer patients, we are not “people” we are a symbol and god forbid we show our weaknesses or fears. Let me tell you it is still possible to be a positive person even though I don’t have a smile plastered on my face and rainbows shooting out my ass!! I refuse to hide my feelings to make others more comfortable but, usually I do it under the blankets 😉
*Disclaimer: please remember this is just my honest thoughts about some of the feelings and experiences I have gone through and I sometimes do need a reminder to stay positive! I love and adore all the people in my life and I really couldn’t have gotten through all this without them/you. Love and respect to you all xo!