One afternoon, my (13 year old @ the time) son said, “I wish I could stay home everyday, mom!”
I responded, “Not this way! Being sick kinda sucks Buba! Plus, I don’t know who I am anymore. I miss my job! I woke up everyday with a goal. I just don’t know what my purpose is anymore!”
His response blew my heart up! He paused and said, “Mom, your purpose is still the same as it always was, you just need to be you!” See, my kids are the best lol My son, my enlightened savvy son, filled me with pride and love! He taught me a lesson that day, about me and him! I will never forget it!
Letting go of my career was one of the hardest things I had to do. This diagnosis puts a lot of things into perspective. Trying to live it to it’s fullest while battling the nasty depressing thoughts creeping into your mind everyday. Dealing with pain. Doctor’s appt’s scans and results.Trying to be normal. But the disease opens your mind to something only a few people are privy too. Acceptance of time. Patience. Letting go. Not sweating the small stuff. This happens when the dust devil finally settles and you have had time to process everything that has happened.So what is my purpose now? All cancer people deal with this tormenting thought. You lose so much of who you used to be and struggle to find your new self. You also feel an awareness of responsibility to do something great! It is a pressure that looms and has to be acted on, I can not die without doing something!!!! Some people fund raise, blood drive, food drive, blog, volunteer. You just have this want to give back somehow!
I had a thought about a year or so ago. I thought about a story I once told my children. I made up this story after Ethan was born and told it to Naomi as well. I wanted to write it down and somehow make it a book for them to read to their own children. I then thought it really is a cute story and maybe others might want to share it with their own children. Then I thought, if it was published and sold I could give a percentage of sales to MBC research! Now that would be something!!! So, being the dreamer I am, I sent out my manuscript last year only to be rejected many times. But, last week, my big dream was reawakened! Knowing how small chances of success are, I do not care! I started sending it out again. What is that saying, Wayne Gretzky- “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take!” So I am taking my shot, again, ’cause really, what is there to lose?! So far I have heard nothing but I will keep you posted on that.
Another thing I did was (obviously) started a blog in hopes my little voice could reach someone on need, bring a smile and/or help bring understanding and awareness, at least to one person. Well I have succeeded and it feels wonderful! I have reached over 3000 people in 11 countries and I am amazed!
The roller coaster of whats next is maddening. I grasp the bar and ride the hills a little easier now, as long as I have purpose in my life it makes the thrill of the ride sensational!