Who wants to go down with the ship

When someone is diagnosed with a disease, you quickly find out who your true friends are.  I have to admit, it would be difficult to put up with some of the awful things a person has to go through.  It would not be easy to watch a loved one suffer. Feeling helpless to make the person feel better.  Let me tell you how shocked and amazed I was to find out who would support me and my family and to drop everything if I needed them.

It is so hard to want to be around people when you know you are hurting them. At one time I felt I had to close myself off to protect the ones I love.  I felt guilty and sad and angry about how my cancer and eminent death would hurt everyone. “The Fault In Our Stars” book/movie pretty much nailed it, “I’m like a grenade, and at some point I’m going to blow up and I would like to minimize the casualties” (slightly changed by me) It is so conflicting and lonely, you want to be surrounded by friends and family but you don’t want to hurt anyone, knowing you will cause so much pain is a terrible burden. I felt I shouldn’t have had children, shouldn’t have gotten married, what a horrible person I am to do this to them!

The truth is, I can’t do this alone. In my darkest times, I am beyond thankful to have my family and friends.

Patrick and I have lost a few friends since my diagnosis. A few that we were quite surprised to lose. We do not hold anger toward them, but disappointment for sure. Why? -is the question we ask each other most. Some of the people were close, so close. Perhaps the reason they won’t or can’t be around anymore is that they just can’t handle it. As I said above, it is a challenging situation. Maybe it brings up hurtful memories. Opens their scars they fought so long to heal. Maybe they struggle with their own mortality. Maybe they just really didn’t like us and found their out. Regardless, I learned that they were not meant to be a part of this story. Sometimes as a friend we must put ourselves aside and be there for the other person.  That is true friendship and love!

I am surrounded by the most steadfast people!  Thank you!!! We have unlimited respect and love for each other. As much as I need them, they need me too! I would be crazy to shield myself away from them!

The people that have stayed around, put up with all my shit, stood by, were leaned on, they are the ones that deserve our time and adoration. They have supported in so many ways: came to appointments, made us dinner, sent a simple card expressing love and support, bringing me your favorite scarf for my bald head, calling or messaging just to check in, dropping by, letting me cry it out, helping us move, listening, going on adventures with me, my god I cannot list all the ways in which my family and friends have touched my life and heart. I swear I would have given up by now without you!

I love you: Patrick, Ethan, Naomi, Tina, Cindy, Aboudy, Noah, Benjamin, Aunt Eileen & Uncle Len, Jenn & Brian, Jen & Mat, Shannon & Mark, Kathy & Vic, Mom, Uncle Donnie & Aunt Linda & Fam, Kyla, Tash & Fred, Aunt Betty & fam, Darlene Dave & Fam, Cousin Kelly. Davey  Belkis & Fam, Deedee, Emile & Erin, Lisa & Ricky, Granny, Elaine Pete & Fam, all my cousins!! all my family in New Brunswick East Coast represent!!! All my LifeLabs ladies!! All my readers!! My supporters!! My fellow fighters!!

*If I missed anyone, I am sorry. I do not often proofread, my writing is organic and sometimes I post too quickly. Just remember, I love you too! xo

 

 

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8 thoughts on “Who wants to go down with the ship

  1. You are my inspiration and my hope! You are such a positive human being, and you have such great aura! I love to be around you, and you make everyone smile and laugh! I can’t wait for many bbq’s with you and Patrick!!! See you soon!

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  2. Krista, this hit home for me. Why do the friends pull away. I live with this guilt in my life. Although not a friend with cancer yet a horrible death sentence that is a tradegy. As a person not as close to you yet we share some ties and he is a great tie our Eman. Trust that the people who may not come around as much it may just break their heart every time they know they have lost the person that was their strength and they can’t be as strong as you or simply don’t know what to say so avoidance is easier. I wouldn’t say that in times of suffering or the unknown you learn who your true friends are and you must realize not all are capable of witnessing someone they love die slowly and not have the power to stop it. A perspective from the other side. I m sure the friends you feel you lost do still care they may just be heart broken. There is always ackward silence and no one is comfortable with that. Once you get past this and just sit and be together you can get back to that place. I hope your friends find their way back.

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    1. I thank you so much for reading and responding Carrin!! I am grateful for the special tie that binds us, our Ethan! Loss and disease is so very taxing on the soul and it can be heartbreaking, thank you for sharing the other side. I can only imagine how difficult the pain you feel with the devastating disease your friend is battling everyday! She is always in my thoughts and prayers! I am always open and happy to accept new or old friendships that appear in this life. Thanks again Carrin 🙂

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  3. Krista, you write so beautifully. I am thankful you decided to write your blog. It touches me and I am sure many others. We haven’t met in person but I am Mathew’s Mom. I have heard wonderful things about you and your family. I actually met Naomi when she came to our family reunion with Mat and Jenn, a sweet girl. I read your blog and I think of you often. I pray for you, your friends and family. As you have said, we all have a clock that will run out. It is better for all of us to not avoid talking about the fact that it will end. Most try to pretend it won’t happen and avoid thinking about it. That is sometimes why we lose people. How we choose to live the end is as important as how we live the beginning and middle. (I am saying that for me especially). I have such respect for you and how you have been living, really living, having such wonderful times with family and friends and working to make life matter. I am slightly envious of your wonderful friends, the parties, get togethers, camping and laughter that you and your friends have. To have so many friends that are there for you no matter what is an indication of your joyous personality and character. May God Bless you and your family, especially in this challenge and beyond.

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    1. You are so right Bonnie, if we acknowledge the clock, it can open our mind’s and spirit’s to a life we never knew existed! I am grateful for my friends and family, so much I could never express to them! Thank you for reading and I hope to see you soon at one of our gatherings!!

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  4. Krista, your ship is still sailing, your flowers are in full bloom, you are glowing in the sun! You have such amazing strength! Your love will carry you through.xo

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