Month: July 2016

Voodoo & other magicical cures


**So, I wrote this a little while back and it is so funny that I mentioned how lucky I felt, thought I would post it anyway. It is funny because over the past couple of days I have felt my breast tumor grow. I am now booked for an ultrasound and depending on the results, I will be starting chemo again. Fuck sakes this crazy cancer! Just when you start to feel a little normal…”heeheehee” says cancer, “I am still here!”

I am really hoping that I am wrong and the cancer is not growing again. I will keep you updated, so not to worry my friends. I feel strong and prepared for the next step!

Please don’t tell me a friend of a friend or my aunts cousin’s sister cured their cancer by cannabis oil, eating broccoli, taking vit C or any other of the thousands of hearsay cures you have heard of. If curing cancer was as easy as that, noone would be dying! Here is a reality NOT ALL CANCERS ARE THE SAME!!! NOT ALL PEOPLE ARE THE SAME! Breast cancer alone has about 12 different kinds and all of them have sub-types within them! Believe it or not cancer is a very personal thing. Bone, pancreatic, colon, bladder, prostate etc are all different from each other. Treatments are also personal to a specific cancer, some work and some don’t. Our bodies are so different and what works for one does not always work for another.

I can’t stand books, videos, motivational speakers, talk show guests spouting the “I cured my cancer by_____” insert bullshit statement here. Honestly, the people that are “cured” probably had curable cancer to begin with, but really are just a lucky soul. It sends false hope to people.

Here is what you need to know, cancer cells do not give a fuck what your eating! Does not give 2 shits about how positive you are! Could care less that you are exercising, meditating or yogaing! Fact- cancer cells are very clever and adaptive and so very strong! The little bastards hide out in waiting, taking in a little of the medications and becoming immune to them and then BAMM! show up stronger than ever with a big fat slap to your face.

Trust me when I tell you, all of us cancer peeps incorporate the “cures” into our lives because we want to live! We hope and pray everyday that this one might be the winner and kick cancer’s ass! None of us know what will or wont work but we try everyday. We are constantly researching and trying new things but it comes down to the fact that we are just swinging in the wind, at cancer’s mercy, hoping the treatment we are taking will take us in the right direction.

Do I believe that cancer is a multi billion dollar corporation, yes. Do I believe there is a cure, yes. I know that sounds a little conspiracy theory-ish, but what we know about humanity is when there is money to be made, very little else matters. Sadly, we will sacrifice and destroy the world we live in, to make a buck!

Over the past couple of years I have lost friends to this disease and will continue to lose more. I have had a sneak peek at what is to come. Have witnessed the last fight and hope drain. Have been a bystander to the acceptance of the inevitable. Their strength and courage has amazed me.

I am feeling utterly blessed at the moment. I am, for now, a lucky one. Waiting with bated breath, hoping this treatment will last for a long time. I am in a place where cancer is almost a second thought (a wonderful but terrifying and vulnerable place to be actually). I have no doubt in my mind that I will drink the kool-aid, light the candles, pop the pills, dance naked in the rain under a full moon and would grab at a chance to visit a voodoo priestess and drink the blood of a sacrificed dove if that is what it takes! I think we all would.




The other side of the clouds

Something I have learned- the sun always shines on the other side of the clouds. It can be cloudy, raining, foggy, hailing, whatever, but as you rise and break through those clouds it is always shiny and bright.

I remember on my flight to Israel, a super long one, 12 1/2 hours- about 10 hours in  riding hump, stuck in the middle, sleep deprived, my feet could not touch the floor and they and my ankles were so swollen they looked unreal (it took 2 days or so for them to return to normal). At one point I felt like a trapped rat and had to calm the savage thoughts in my mind. Dear god a person can not survive stuck like this for so long! If I didn’t move soon I was going to snap! A few tricks with long flights- learn how to work the seat, sleep and maybe incorporate a little meditation.

As I calmed down and night was turning to day, I noticed the sky getting brighter and I looked out the window. As the sun began to rise above the clouds, something inside me…clicked, changed, I can’t explain. I sat frozen and totally mystified by what I was seeing. The colours. Oh, colours I have never before seen  The sun was now above the clouds. I had to catch my breath and then hold it, afraid to disturb anything in case this sight was lost. I was looking at the sun, it did not hurt or burn my eyes. It was beautiful and powerful and I felt small. I also felt in that moment, privileged. I am sounding too wordy, trying to hard, I am straining to paint a picture that can not be described by me.  Totally inadequate. It was simply breathtaking.

In that moment on the plane, I understood the metaphor. I am reminded of that humbling view every time I think I can’t do, handle, think or be victorious. Sometimes things happen, and we can get caught up in the why? I think these thoughts can slow the journey to the clarity we seek. We make it harder for ourselves.

As I was writing this, I read the beginning to Naomi. I asked her what she thought. She said, “we need to notice things around us and appreciate what we are seeing.” Smart kid! I defo agreed! Then she described to me how much she loves sunsets! Then I told her there was another message, “that even when things are dark and stormy…” she finished my sentence with bright eyes and”…it is shiny on the other side!” We high-fived and hugged each other.

This awakening, gives me comfort and hope that the other side is as beautiful as the glimpse I was so fortunate to witness.