A downer of a post. Struggled with posting. But, Pat reminded me that this blog is to write, it’s about my feelings and journey. So staying honest to me and my blog, here you go. For those that know me, you know I will rise. Sometimes these thoughts need to be released and who knows, if someone else has felt this way, now they know they are not alone. Maybe someone can relate and gain strength or comfort, this is my hope!
It is very late right now. Can’t sleep AGAIN! It is dark in this room and it is dark in my head. Too much thinking, can carry you away.
I am so overcome with scary invasive thoughts.
I don’t want to hurt the ones I love. I know from experience that distance helps the pain, lessens it. My father died recently, I was heart broken. So much time lost. We were not as close as a father and daughter should be, but it still hurt my heart. When he died, because we were not close, it did help make the pain “bearable?” in a way. Reflecting on those thoughts, I feel that I should just disappear, now, before it’s too late. Die alone and limit the hurt.
How can I live and die knowing how much pain will be felt.
How can I live and die without the ones I love.
A stalemate, an impasse, trapped in a fucking corner with no way out.
Trying my best to stay happy and positive, utterly failing these days.
Knowing this disease has changed me, so very much, angers me. My mind does not match my body and I find this frustrating, to say the least. I want to do, but can not. I used to be up for the challenge, find the strength to not let cancer run my life and rise above it’s power and make it my bitch for a while. I have lost my inner warrior and am lost without her.
I am suffocated by fear and tormented by this disease everyday. I am struggling and losing the fight. I am disappointed by my weakness and terrified of what these thoughts will do to me. I know that I am in a good place; cancer has not taken over my liver,lungs or brain. But the reality of my disease is too much for me. The treatment. I have only begun my 2nd type of chemo and am not feeling as strong as I did with the first one. What does that mean? My goal has always been at least 5 years, but I fear that something inside me knows better. This last progression and endocrine resistance means my disease may be stronger than my desire to live. I will never have closure, never stop treatment, never have a cure. For the rest of my life I have to “wait and see” chemo after chemo drug after drug only to get worse and then die. This is a maddening disease I must say. I want to live and do so many things, but already I feel this cancer has taken so much of me. I feel like a shell, a bag of slowly rotting meat. I am tired. My body is in pain. My soul tortured. My mind shredded. My strength worn as thin as my optimism.
Can I really do this? Why do I feel so weak in this fight right now? This is probably the lowest I have ever felt during these past 3 years. Carrying around the fear of death hiding behind every C/T scan, never knowing when it will happen but knowing it is coming!
I do not want to die, I am terrified of the end.
Why am I giving it so much power over my life lately?!
I vow to find myself, to rise and dust myself off! To take in a big deep breath, smile and valiantly take on another day living with cancer!