So here I am, another sleepless night. It’s 3:30 am and I have been trying to sleep since 10. It has been a rough few days… ok who the fuck am I kidding it’s been a rough 3 years. But this week we were told to expect about 3-6 months left of my life, technically we were told I am not dying tomorrow but be realistic it is definitely less than a year. I am currently doing my last available treatment. The cancer is very aggressive and nothing has been able to stop it’s putrid destructive infiltration.
I will not sugar coat anything, I am fucking terrified, heartbroken and frustrated as hell. How the fuck is this really happening?! I can’t explain what is going through my mind, it is wrecked right now. I always knew what was to happen at the end of this ride, but to be honest, I always thought I would be one of the lucky ones living for 10 years. Unfortunately, my ride is coming to an end much sooner than I am prepared for. I still have hope, a deep strong hope that is clinging to life and time. I have so much to do still, so much to see.
My husband and soulmate! We have been through so much together and we should have so much more. No one could put up with me like he has. He has already had so much heartbreak in his life and I am adding more, fuck I hate that! My babies, oh dear God, my babies! How can I leave them when they still need their mum for so many things. No highschool graduations, no first loves, no marriages, no chance to be Grams. No more hugs or kisses. No more cuddles. My mother, my sister, my Cindy, my family and best of friends (I will always consider family) I hate what this disease has done to the ones I love so dearly. My heart is broken, no, there is no way for me to describe my pain and utter sadness, I can’t even try right now. The amount of pain I will cause when I go tortures me more and more.
I wan’t to run away from this, but there is no where to run. I want to wake up from this horrible nightmare but I am wide awake.
What we are working on now: Making an appointment with a psychiatrist to help us break the news to Buba and Poo on what is happening. Jesus Christ, how are we supposed to do that! No child should have to deal with this shit!!! Fucking hell, FUCK YOU CANER from the depths of my soul FUCK YOU! Planning my funeral. Planning on where to die, hospital, home hospice? Planning to tie up loose ends. Planning a family trip, as I promised! Trying to enjoy every second I can behind a smile to make each day as normal as possible.
I am not writing this for sympathy, I am simply being honest with this ramble to help get some of this blacknesss out of my head. This is a dark time for me, hopefully I can start bringing more light into my days, you know what, fuck that, I can so do it and I will. But for right now my feelings are what they are and I am allowed to feel them.
I know some of you that are reading this know exactly what I am saying and understand completely. I ask my fellow metsters, what do we do when we are told the news we have been fighting and praying to avoid hearing? How do we push aside the devastation, heartache and horrifying feelings. The mourning of my future’s loss is overwhelming and when I lose control of my thoughts and end up down the rabbit hole, it is madness!! I would much rather be having tea with the Mad Hatter, titmouse and White Rabbit!
Just to touch on the where should I die…this is a really tough one. Funny but not funny, I think about my dog. If I die away from home, she will never know and for the rest of her life look out the window waiting for me to come home. It may sound so ridiculous to some, but honestly, I don’t want to do that to her, she is my Pupup and I love her too and she is a part of my family, so unless there is hospice that allows animals, I will probably end my life at home. This is an example of the fucked up shit I think about.
I wake up everyday knowing another day has passed, and all I want to do is stop them from passing, knowing I am another day closer to the end. This disease is fucking torture! The pain I have endured from treatment has been so hard but does not come close to the pain I carry in my heart always. Where we, as humans, get the strength to carry on when faced with such tragedy everyday, I have no idea. This has been the toughest trial I have ever endured, but I will continue this fight and dig deeper and deeper until there is nothing left to dig. I pray and hope everyday for another treatment to miraculously appear and give me more time.
Again, my promise:
It is now 4:30 and I feel a little better letting this out. I think I will make myself a cup of tea and sneak into my daughter’s bed for some cuddles and comfort, maybe I will find a few moments of peace and sleep.
I thank you all again for reading and supporting me, I love you
Love & Laughter always