The F&#k is strong with this one (not a very uplifting post, just a warning)

So here I am, another sleepless night. It’s 3:30 am and I have been trying to sleep since 10. It has been a rough few days… ok who the fuck am I kidding it’s been a rough 3 years. But this week we were told to expect about 3-6 months left of my life, technically we were told I am not dying tomorrow but be realistic it is definitely less than a year. I am currently doing my last available treatment. The cancer is very aggressive and nothing has been able to stop it’s putrid destructive infiltration.

I will not sugar coat anything, I am fucking terrified, heartbroken and frustrated as hell. How the fuck is this really happening?!  I can’t explain what is going through my mind, it is wrecked right now. I always knew what was to happen at the end of this ride, but to be honest, I always thought I would be one of the lucky ones living for 10 years. Unfortunately, my ride is coming to an end much sooner than I am prepared for. I still have hope, a deep strong hope that is clinging to life and time. I have so much to do still, so much to see.

My husband and soulmate! We have been through so much together and we should have so much more. No one could put up with me like he has. He has already had so much heartbreak in his life and I am adding more, fuck I hate that! My babies, oh dear God, my babies! How can I leave them when they still need their mum for so many things. No highschool graduations, no first loves, no marriages, no chance to be Grams. No more hugs or kisses. No more cuddles. My mother, my sister, my Cindy, my family and best of friends (I will always consider family) I hate what this disease has done to the ones I love so dearly. My heart is broken, no, there is no way for me to describe my pain and utter sadness, I can’t even try right now. The amount of pain I will cause when I go tortures me more and more.
I wan’t to run away from this, but there is no where to run. I want to wake up from this horrible nightmare but I am wide awake.

What we are working on now: Making an appointment with a psychiatrist to help us break the news to Buba and Poo on what is happening. Jesus Christ, how are we supposed to do that! No child should have to deal with this shit!!! Fucking hell, FUCK YOU CANER from the depths of my soul FUCK YOU! Planning my funeral. Planning on where to die, hospital, home hospice? Planning to tie up loose ends. Planning a family trip, as I promised! Trying to enjoy every second I can behind a smile to make each day as normal as possible.

I am not writing this for sympathy, I am simply being honest with this ramble to help get some of this blacknesss out of my head. This is a dark time for me, hopefully I can start bringing more light into my days, you know what, fuck that, I can so do it and I will. But for right now my feelings are what they are and I am allowed to feel them.

I know some of you that are reading this know exactly what I am saying and understand completely. I ask my fellow metsters, what do we do when we are told the news we have been fighting and praying to avoid hearing? How do we push aside the devastation, heartache and horrifying feelings. The mourning of my future’s loss is overwhelming and when I lose control of my thoughts and end up down the rabbit hole, it is madness!! I would much rather be having tea with the Mad Hatter, titmouse and White Rabbit!

Just to touch on the where should I die…this is a really tough one. Funny but not funny, I think about my dog. If I die away from home, she will never know and for the rest of her life look out the window waiting for me to come home. It may sound so ridiculous to some, but honestly, I don’t want to do that to her, she is my Pupup and I love her too and she is a part of my family, so unless there is hospice that allows animals, I will probably end my life at home.  This is an example of the fucked up shit I think about.

I wake up everyday knowing another day has passed, and all I want to do is stop them from passing, knowing I am another day closer to the end. This disease is fucking torture! The pain I have endured from treatment has been so hard but does not come close to the pain I carry in my heart always. Where we, as humans, get the strength to carry on when faced with such tragedy everyday, I have no idea. This has been the toughest trial I have ever endured, but I will continue this fight and dig deeper and deeper until there is nothing left to dig. I pray and hope everyday for another treatment to miraculously appear and give me more time.

Again, my promise:

 

 

It is now 4:30 and I feel a little better letting this out. I think I will make myself a cup of tea and sneak into my daughter’s bed for some cuddles and comfort, maybe I will find a few moments of peace and sleep.

I thank you all again for reading and supporting me, I love you

Love & Laughter always
Krista

P.S I will try to keep some of my posts a little lighter and happier as my days coming will be filled with mostly love and laughter! 😉

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8 thoughts on “The F&#k is strong with this one (not a very uplifting post, just a warning)

  1. Dear Krista,
    I sat here this morning and read your letter to the e-world sharing your most gut wrenching fears and deepest sadness and I cried. I listened to the beautiful song you chose, and I cried. I think it was perfection because I’ve come to believe that this is the essence of you. You have endured so much and come through so many obstacles and I believe this is what carries you, the desire to Rise Up and say Fuck you and Fuck Cancer I’m doing this my way. I’m going to do this living with love, with light, with laughter. I hav connected to you most deeply through your words that you’ve shared along this journey, the happy ones, the sad, the funny and the angry. I’ve ridden the waves with you from my home and I’ll ride the waves with you for however long there are waves to ride. Please keep riding whenever you have something to say. Your words are important. From these words your story lives on and it is an amazing story. I have the utmost respect for you and I send so many rays of light to you and love to you and Pat and your babes. Thank you for being you and thank you for having the desire/courage to share with the world your story. Thinking of you. Much love, Liz xo

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  2. Krista, I want you to know how much you have touched my heart. I have no words to describe reading your every emotion pouring out of you!
    What you have given me back in return by reading your blogs, my sister passed away in March of this year. We had a falling out 5 years ago, my car wanted to drive there everyday. My disfunctional family kept me from knowing last September that she found out she had 4th stage lung cancer and 6 months to live. They kept her passing from me as well! Thanx to a dear friend telling my son she passed, I was able to say good bye to her at her funeral. I wanted to be there with her thru all her suffering. Her own Mother and Father were not there for her, yet they still begrudged me from knowing! She was the only family member that our souls where and forever will be linked.
    I still sit and wonder what it was like for her, what she was feeling, what pain she suffered, if she really wanted me there for her, saving me from emotional heartbreak by not having to see her suffer? When I heard about the torture she had suffered it breaks my heart, we went thru so much pain thru our childhood, but we were always there for each other. She saved me from not watching her suffer, I suffer anyway, more so that I couldn’t share her pains and sorrows and loves, and all her emotions with her during her last moments of her precious life. Yet, i respect her decision, i still feel empty, not knowing her every thought.
    Wow Krista, you have given me all this in return! I engulf every word you write! I appreciate and love you so much for sharing with me and everyone who reads your blogs, what your going through for the fight of your life! How it effects you, how raw you are with your emotions! I have cherished every word and thought you have given us, to hear and understand the depths of hell you are going thru, you so willingly and lovingly want and need to pour your heart out! Your an amazing woman! I am listening to you! I am there for you! And I want to thank you for letting me in to a world none of us know. I LOVE YOU KRISTA CURLEY! 💞

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    1. Dearest Glenda

      I can’t imagine the pain you must have felt with not only the loss of your sister but also of the loss of being able to be there for her and your deserved closure with her. I would definitely say that she had some peace in knowing you were spared the heartache of seeing her during the last months of her life. I myself hate what my disease has shown my family and friends and wish I could spare them seeing all of this and what is to come. Hold on to the good memories because they are the only ones that really matter. She loved you and you her, and that is most precious of all!!
      I can not express my thanks for always being so supportive and loving, it touches my heart and I am so grateful!!! I love you too Glenda xox

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  3. Hi, I notice you haven’t posted in a while..I am very worried. I saw your posts on breastcancer.org. I’m stage 2 and feeling very very scared. I have a mastectomy scheduled, end of this month, but in the meantime, I have weird symptoms that make me afraid of my cancer spreading to my brain. You have faced this monster with such eloquence and bravery..I hope so much you are hanging in there. FUCK CANCER. FUCK IT WITH A BIG FUCKING POLE. I hate it 😦

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    1. Hi swg! I am still hanging in there. I know I have not posted for a while and I apologize for that, it really isn’t like me. I have just been so very tired and trying to come to terms with everything that has happened.

      Of course you are scared! Having a diagnosis of cancer is very scary shit!!! I hope that your mastectomy goes well. If you are interested, I wrote 2 posts about my experience with it. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, thankfully.
      If you are worried about the cancer spreading, I would for sure talk with your oncologist to help you determine how things are going. Sadly, we who have had this diagnosis tend to get this bad habit of always thinking the cancer is spreading, it comes with the territory I think. It is very hard not to think things are getting worse. Whenever we feel something “different” our minds automatically go there. Stay brave and strong OK, you will get through this!!! I hate cancer too, so much! Yes FUCK CANCER amen!!!

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