Month: November 2017

Just laying here on another sleepless night! If ever there was a ramble kids, this is it!

What can I say, things have been super real and super tough lately, Having “the talk” with the kids was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I thought telling them I had cancer was bad but this was on a whole other level of brutal! We are heading to our cancer support centre tomorrow for some family group discussion. I am really hoping that after the kids have had a few days with this news, that they are ready to talk more and ask questions that they may have. They will both have either one on one councelling or group therapy going forward, to help them during all this. I just want them to have as much info (as they can handle) and support as I can give/get them. I am also trying to convince my mom and hubby to join a care-giver support group. I believe so much that this group would help them in so many ways, if not only to have a safe environment to complain. Fingers crossed they go! This cancer is not all about me, it affects my family and friends so much, so any way that can help them get through this easier the better. I have a strong feeling that getting Pat there will be the hardest, so stubborn that one!

Another thing that has been happening, which has put my anxiety on high alert, is an increase in pain in my skull mets and hip mets. I also have a horn growing out of my forehead, no shit an actual fucking horn. Onc has no idea yet what it is. Could be a devil horn but I call it my lopsided unicorn horn. If it is a devil horn, keep your distance if it grows a partner! If it is my unicorn horn maybe it will be filled with cancer killing magic and not just rainbows and sweet smelling farts! I have to let you know it is not very long yet, only about a half an inch, but still WTAF (what the actual fuck) I have not been “normal” since my dx. My body has not reacted “normal” to any treatments that I have had, so for me this “horn” does not surprise me, at all.

So what else is going on… Oh we are going to be visiting a cannabis clinic soon. We are trying to try everything! I am feeling pretty positive that they will be able to give me relief of pain and stress maybe even sleep! This way I don’t have to depend on big pharma’s drug’s. I have heard only a little about these clinics. I know that I don’t want to get paranoia, that is my biggest worry. I totally remember smoking an obviously shitty product joint and hitting a paranoid state a time or two in my younger days! It was not a fun place to be and depending on who was with you or where you were, it could really made it worse. Also somewhat worried about munchies, damn, I would eat anything, all the things sounded sooo yummy!! (OMG Once I thought soda crackers sounded perfect, so I grabbed a handful with nothing on them and with no water to drink, put about 3 in my gob and holy shit there was a dust storm in my mouth and I thought I was going to die!!!) So if they can concoct something up that can help treat some of my adverse side effects of cancer, limit the nosh fest and still give me that happy high!, I will defo take it! Why not have a little happiness, I think I deserve that! I think all cancer patients deserve that! Hell everyone deserves that!

I mentioned tying up loose ends, we have begun the process, kinda. I have been imagining/planning my wake, it sounds really fun in my mind and I wish I could be there dammit! Ideally in a pub, thinking the Waltzing Weasel or maybe a home, not sure yet. There must be a band, a band that plays east coast Celtic music. Then through the evening/afternoon, whenever it will be, I want my amazing talented friends and family to play music and sing! There will be shots, tequila and Fireball, so there will be a choice, but you must do one in my honour. Friends and family will tell stories and laugh and remember me, remember I love you all. So planning that part was fun and super easy. Dumdumdummmm… now the funeral however has been a little harder. I still have not gone in to a funeral home to talk to anyone. I know I must do this and really I am OK with making all the decisions that need to be made. The hardest part is actually going there and doing it, just makes it so real, and that I find to be the hardest part, just how fucking real that will be. Our Will is done, at least we have done that (thanks Mark & Shannon xo)

The hardest loose end for me to tie up is deciding my end of life choices. Now, here in Canada we have the choice to be aided in our death, it is called Dying with Dignity, and I am so glad we have this program available to us. I can now imagine a quite peaceful passing surrounded by family and friends. I have always been a little, who the fuck am I kidding, terrified as to what would happen when the time comes. So I will either die of liver or lung failure. Cancer does not actually do the killing, it just takes over organs essential for life and makes them fail. So, painful suffocation or the other possibility, ruptured esophagus and stomach plus more fantastically sounding symptoms these possibilities offer, oh and both will cause encephalopathy (basically I will lose my mind and not be myself in any way), total soul crushing anxiety and I will pee and poop myself until I pass on. Neither one of those situations sound very good. So again, so thankful for the assisted suicide option that Canada has given us.  Sounds great to me!

If anyone is still reading this loooonnngggest rambling post ever, thank you, really, thank you!! 🙂
Let us end on happier talk, Christmas is coming!!! Probably my very last one.. So I am hoping to decorate my home with so much Christmas, people will want to puke after spending too much time here! I am so looking forward to it, I just can’t wait! I feel like a little kid heehee. Presents, family, dinner, cookies and games! I think I will actually have a few drinks that night, what the hell! I am a little stressed about what to get the kids, I only have a couple of ideas and they always answer “I don’t know”, when I ask them arrrgggg kids!!!! But they are super easy going so I know it will work out awesome anyway.

So there you have it, another midnight ramble! I really should not be allowed access to the computer during the night alone unsupervised!

Anyway, thanks for reading, love & laughter always xox  Krista



As I was saying about happier days…

Yes my posts have been…grim to say the least for far too long!!! While I know sadness, pain etc. is a part of this, it is not ONLY what it is! lol Does that sentence even make sense?! Whatever, it stays as it is, moving on… my pain and mobility have improved so much since the week in hospital. Meds, radiation and bone treatments have finally kicked in and I am feeling miles away from where I was, can I get an Amen!!! Also, my most recent blood work has shown my liver enzymes are down so the new chemo, Eribulin (Halaven) just might be working. There is only about a 6 percent chance that this one will do anything positive but I could not help but feel such happiness and hope from those results. I have also been furiously researching, trying to find other treatments that might be available to me if this one fails quickly. I have a couple promising leads but I am not an oncologist so I really have no clue, plus we are in Canada and not all treatments are available here. As much as I am accepting my death, I am not welcoming it at all and my promise stands firm, I will not give up!

Enough about treatments!! Some wonderful things have been happening during this rough time and they need to be acknowledged! Starting with the most simple, my beautiful sister Tina took me for a mani/pedi and it was wonderful! There is nothing like getting your nails done, so simple and refreshing, just makes you feel pretty right! As you know, because you are reading my blog, I write a blog. It is with great pride I can tell you I was published in Wildfire Magazine, an online mag for younger women with breast cancer. They were doing a Metastatic issue and I was chosen to be included as one of their contributors!!! I would suggest this magazine for all the under 40’s with breast cancer. It is a really great read and touches on subjects that are important for women with breast cancer under 40, here is the link to them Wildfire. I have also been highlighted on!!!! I am pretty sure that any of you reading with breast cancer has been on this site many times.  An amazing site for support, information and anything else you could think of. I actually did a podcast, holy shit I was scared lol but from what I hear from others that have listened to it, I did a pretty good job! My daughters video blog post was also shared by them and she was over the moon about that. My husband, Pat had done a blog post a while back and that was also shared on Here is the link if anyone is interested in checking it out never thought my little blog would ever reach so many, I am just a mom from Oshawa lol but, I am beyond grateful!

A few months ago I took off my wedding ring for a C/T scan. When I went to put it back on, it was gone. I could not find it anywhere and I was gutted. We all searched the house in every nook and cranny, but it was not to be found. I had planned on leaving it to my son for his wedding and it was driving me crazy that I had lost it. I looked online to see if the store still had my ring and to my surprise they did. So I planned on buying a new one, not quite the same but I was OK with it. Well, my sister, my wonderful amazing sister came up with a plan and my family, god bless them!, rallied together and replaced my ring! I was shocked and cried like a baby! My heart was filled and I found peace in my soul as soon as I put it on!

Another wonderful thing that has happened, my amazing friends!, have proven once again that they can not be beat! So supportive, loving and awesome! They knew I wanted to plan a family trip. I have promised this to my kids and it is so very important that I make this happen. There are a few roadblocks we need to remove before we can make the trip happen. Jenn and Brian automatically wanted to help and offered up their minivan and timeshare in Florida to help. Unreal! Then Mark decided to set up a go fund me campaign to help as well. We can’t thank all who have donated enough!!! The campaign is amazing and aside from a couple more bumps we will hopefully be on our way to geeking out with Harry Potter in Universal Studios and Disney soon.

While I was able to appreciate all these wonderful things, they were clouded by how sick I have been. The shorter life expectancy was also a giant hurdle to get over. I was so heartbroken. I am in a much better head space now and can now give these kick ass amazing happenings the recognition they deserve!

I want to thank all my family and friends for everything they have done. I love you all so much xox I am truly spoiled rotten and one of the luckiest people ever!!!!

Love and laughter all!! xox