What can I say, things have been super real and super tough lately, Having “the talk” with the kids was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I thought telling them I had cancer was bad but this was on a whole other level of brutal! We are heading to our cancer support centre tomorrow for some family group discussion. I am really hoping that after the kids have had a few days with this news, that they are ready to talk more and ask questions that they may have. They will both have either one on one councelling or group therapy going forward, to help them during all this. I just want them to have as much info (as they can handle) and support as I can give/get them. I am also trying to convince my mom and hubby to join a care-giver support group. I believe so much that this group would help them in so many ways, if not only to have a safe environment to complain. Fingers crossed they go! This cancer is not all about me, it affects my family and friends so much, so any way that can help them get through this easier the better. I have a strong feeling that getting Pat there will be the hardest, so stubborn that one!
Another thing that has been happening, which has put my anxiety on high alert, is an increase in pain in my skull mets and hip mets. I also have a horn growing out of my forehead, no shit an actual fucking horn. Onc has no idea yet what it is. Could be a devil horn but I call it my lopsided unicorn horn. If it is a devil horn, keep your distance if it grows a partner! If it is my unicorn horn maybe it will be filled with cancer killing magic and not just rainbows and sweet smelling farts! I have to let you know it is not very long yet, only about a half an inch, but still WTAF (what the actual fuck) I have not been “normal” since my dx. My body has not reacted “normal” to any treatments that I have had, so for me this “horn” does not surprise me, at all.
So what else is going on… Oh we are going to be visiting a cannabis clinic soon. We are trying to try everything! I am feeling pretty positive that they will be able to give me relief of pain and stress maybe even sleep! This way I don’t have to depend on big pharma’s drug’s. I have heard only a little about these clinics. I know that I don’t want to get paranoia, that is my biggest worry. I totally remember smoking an obviously shitty product joint and hitting a paranoid state a time or two in my younger days! It was not a fun place to be and depending on who was with you or where you were, it could really made it worse. Also somewhat worried about munchies, damn, I would eat anything, all the things sounded sooo yummy!! (OMG Once I thought soda crackers sounded perfect, so I grabbed a handful with nothing on them and with no water to drink, put about 3 in my gob and holy shit there was a dust storm in my mouth and I thought I was going to die!!!) So if they can concoct something up that can help treat some of my adverse side effects of cancer, limit the nosh fest and still give me that happy high!, I will defo take it! Why not have a little happiness, I think I deserve that! I think all cancer patients deserve that! Hell everyone deserves that!
I mentioned tying up loose ends, we have begun the process, kinda. I have been imagining/planning my wake, it sounds really fun in my mind and I wish I could be there dammit! Ideally in a pub, thinking the Waltzing Weasel or maybe a home, not sure yet. There must be a band, a band that plays east coast Celtic music. Then through the evening/afternoon, whenever it will be, I want my amazing talented friends and family to play music and sing! There will be shots, tequila and Fireball, so there will be a choice, but you must do one in my honour. Friends and family will tell stories and laugh and remember me, remember I love you all. So planning that part was fun and super easy. Dumdumdummmm… now the funeral however has been a little harder. I still have not gone in to a funeral home to talk to anyone. I know I must do this and really I am OK with making all the decisions that need to be made. The hardest part is actually going there and doing it, just makes it so real, and that I find to be the hardest part, just how fucking real that will be. Our Will is done, at least we have done that (thanks Mark & Shannon xo)
The hardest loose end for me to tie up is deciding my end of life choices. Now, here in Canada we have the choice to be aided in our death, it is called Dying with Dignity, and I am so glad we have this program available to us. I can now imagine a quite peaceful passing surrounded by family and friends. I have always been a little, who the fuck am I kidding, terrified as to what would happen when the time comes. So I will either die of liver or lung failure. Cancer does not actually do the killing, it just takes over organs essential for life and makes them fail. So, painful suffocation or the other possibility, ruptured esophagus and stomach plus more fantastically sounding symptoms these possibilities offer, oh and both will cause encephalopathy (basically I will lose my mind and not be myself in any way), total soul crushing anxiety and I will pee and poop myself until I pass on. Neither one of those situations sound very good. So again, so thankful for the assisted suicide option that Canada has given us. Sounds great to me!
If anyone is still reading this loooonnngggest rambling post ever, thank you, really, thank you!! 🙂
Let us end on happier talk, Christmas is coming!!! Probably my very last one.. So I am hoping to decorate my home with so much Christmas, people will want to puke after spending too much time here! I am so looking forward to it, I just can’t wait! I feel like a little kid heehee. Presents, family, dinner, cookies and games! I think I will actually have a few drinks that night, what the hell! I am a little stressed about what to get the kids, I only have a couple of ideas and they always answer “I don’t know”, when I ask them arrrgggg kids!!!! But they are super easy going so I know it will work out awesome anyway.
So there you have it, another midnight ramble! I really should not be allowed access to the computer during the night alone unsupervised!
Anyway, thanks for reading, love & laughter always xox Krista