Probably one of the hardest reality’s of my diagnosis.
As a new parent you anxiously await the milestones your children will hit,first smile, first laugh, crawling, walking, first words, first pickle (one of my favorites lol)
As the years go one and your children grow older, the milestones change. You wonder about highschool, dances, first dates, girlfriends/boyfriends.
A few more years go by and you begin to think of them in their future’s and what they will be like as adults. What kind of career they will choose, wedding days, grandchildren.
I learned quickly that the odds of me being present for most of my children’s life milestones are quite rare. I will certainly be lucky and be utterly grateful if I can fight this disease long enough to behold these remarkable life experiences (that is and forever will be my ultimate plan). I had to face my grisly bottom line. The beginning of this journey was filled with a lot of mourning for the future I was going to be robbed of. I had to accept the awful truth. I will not be here. I will not be here to sit with pride and watch as my children graduate college ( I will be blessed if I make it for highschool grads), find true love, marry and have children of their own. I will not be here to answer questions and guide them on their exciting life journey. I will not be here for love advice, parenting advice or cooking advice. I will not be here when they have their hearts broken by first loves; unable to hold them and wipe their tears as my own heart breaks along with their’s. I will not be here to spoil my grandchildren. It is truly a gut wrenching reality, everyday.
After my death, how will that affect them?! What kind of pain will they feel? My mind and heart deeply hurt when these thoughts creep in.
My husband and I decided for sure to openly communicate with our children about this disease. Gave them the basics of cancer and how it affects the body. Talked with them about possible treatments and side effects. Gave them the open door to questions and concerns. Taught them it is OK to be scared or sad. They attended a children’s group through the Hearth Place (An amazing place for all your cancer needs!) Gave them the assurance that I will not falter in my fight. I remind them to live life and not let anything hold them back. When you fall get up! Fear can not and will not rule your future! Experience! Take a leap of faith! Do not waste opportunity! Love!!!! I do my best to reinforce my words by demonstrating them as best as I can. Our family leans on each other I am so grateful of everyday I have with them. I hug and kiss to the point of annoyance I am sure, but it is lovingly accepted and returned!
We try to live life as normal as possible as this black cloud of cancer hangs above our heads. Cancer does not rule our family, we are learning to accept it.
I now struggle with rejecting the thoughts of my lost future with my children. I focus on today and clutch to tomorrow. No matter the time left in front of us, we cannot let it shift us from our present time. Enjoy, love and cherish is all I can do!